Auld Lang Syne!

Today is the last day of 2009 - the last day of the decade. A day of great emotion. A day to look back in memory and forward in expectation. To consider your mistakes and put them behind you. To imagine your coming triumphs! To-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So another year has passed and another is coming. Same thing happens about every 365 days. I could say I feel sad that another year has passed, or excited about the new year coming, or scared of the great speed of time, but I won't because I don't. Not that I have something against those feelings. Go ahead and have them if you can! Lucky you! I just feel nothing. I never feel anything, so I'm pretty used to it. Every year on my birthday or the new year, I don't dwell on the fact that I'm older or another year has passed. When Christmas or vacation ends, I don't get the blues because it's all over. Some people may think that's a blessing. Some may say it's a curse. 

I'm undecided. Ask me later.

I'll Take a Pig Snort and a Punch in the Stomach

Who knew that you could shop for sound affects? Well, to answer myself, probably anyone who has ever made a film of any kind. For me though, there is another purpose. Those handy previews of the sounds are just right for thinking through an exact noise. Then, I'll be able to write it down better than before. Describing a sound is difficult, especially in writing when you can't use expressions like "whoosh, bang, phhhsshhhshttt" as much. It's even harder when you don't really know what it sounds like in the first place. I mean, I've never actually heard someone get cracked over the head with a baseball bat. I know a few people who I could try it out on... *ahem* maybe not.

So, my thanks goes to Donita Paul for suggesting a sound affects shop website.

So Long, Sonny!

He said he loved me.

Not that I believed him. Despite my sudden flightiness due to vulnerability, I have not become a ridiculous teenage girl. It is idiocy to think a sixteen-year-old guy can love you. When I read the message, I laughed. Laughed because it was unexpected. Laughed because it was unneeded. Laughed because it was hilarious. 

I didn't need that love. I don't need that love. My family loves me and God loves me, so why would I need a random guy's confession of commitment? Especially when it falls so short of true commitment. Is this reeking of bitterness? It sort of sounds like it, but honestly, I do not care enough to be bitter. 

I'm not sorry about that month in my life. God taught me an important lesson without letting me go so far as to truly regret anything. My mistakes are minimal. Our informal relationship was exactly what I longed for; we never even kissed. So the consequences are brought on purely from my own mind. The punishment: realized that for a short time in my life, I acted like a normal teenage girl: unconfident, in need of attention, starving for attraction. I dislike that greatly. I have never been normal, and I want to keep it that way. 

But let me continue to my main thoughtline for starting this post. What was he thinking when he said he loved me? What was his plan for those words? What is he thinking now, with a new girlfriend only two weeks after I told him to buzz off? I would love to ask him. Specifically, this is what I would say: "So were you lying when you said you loved me, or does your love just fade and change that quickly?"

I would love to hear his response.

I would love to get up the nerve.

It's not that I want him back. I don't even know what I ever saw in him. Sure, I want him to regret losing me. What girl wouldn't? Even the abnormal can't help wanting to be desired. I just wish teens nowadays would realize what all the word LOVE entails. It's huge. Bigger than their maturity can allow their hearts to stretch. And it is being so misused by teenagers around America. If I could change anything in the world, maybe I would make everyone realize the exact definition of love, and act accordingly.

For now...

I'm gonna wash ALL men right out of my hair, and send them on their way!

Wait - not all MEN. I'll take the men. It's the boys, guys, jerks, and idiots that I would like to do away with.

Forever Alone, Forever My Own

Why is it so hard to fit in? I used to say I was shy; but honestly, I don't think that is true anymore. I have no problem with speaking to people, joining in, being the center of attention. I don't really enjoy most of those things, but I can and will do it. There is just something about me that doesn't attach to other people well - I am different somehow. Often, I feel as though joining in with others who don't know me very well is intruding on their lives. I feel awkward because I assume they feel awkward. 

It shouldn't be that hard. Why can't I just make friends and feel comfortable talking to them at any time? Why can't I feel like one of a group? But I never have. No matter what group of people it is, I always feel a little out of it. A little separate. A little different. Most of the time, I convince myself I don't care. Many times I truly don't care. But there are times when it hits me hard that I don't belong. And I wonder if I ever will.

I used to think having a guy - not a boyfriend - but a close guy friend who had the potential to be a boyfriend in later life, would solve my problems. He would somehow help me become like everyone else. Well, God has shown me first hand how false that is. I'm glad He gave me the opportunity to see exactly what I would do with a guy. My first and last experience taught me that guys do not solve problems; in fact, they sort of complicate them. Instead of him pulling me into the crowd, I more of pulled him out... for however long it lasted. God gave me exactly what I had been dreaming about for so long just so that I would know it doesn't work. Now I have only to wonder what would happen if the guy wasn't an immature jerk. But no, I can't be that mean. At his age, why would anyone expect him to act maturely?

Tidbit of Nonsense For You

Reality is the thing that squelches all your dreams. 

Fantasy is the thing that makes reality worth living.

Some people think you can live with only one of those things.

But for the best results, you need an equal dosage of both.

How Droll

Apparently, I am easily amused. I suppose I've always known this, but it didn't recently come to light until work the other day. I was exclaiming over the amazing principalities of a booklight that springs up to just the right angle when you press a button. My manager added it to his list of "Things that easily amuse Kaylee." I had to agree. And it got me thinking.

I think I've always been that way. I was the kid who would stare at the grass, waiting for a bug crawling through to make it move a little. I would stare at the carpet too. Don't ask me why; we rarely had bugs in our house. Once, I laid on my front lawn for a good half hour listening to the wind. It was great, until a guy driving by stopped and asked if I was all right. I guess I looked unconscious or something.

And so it has continued. I can sit in my chair in my room and stare out my window for an hour without moving. Seems like I'm doing nothing, but my mind is extremely active. I love to think, and I love silence. Those two ingredients make doing nothing, or being amused by insignificance, easy and enjoyable for me. 

My Not-so Birthday

Surprisingly, since I can be a bit vain, I have no problem overlooking my birthday. It's not one of those "women don't like to get older" things. After all, I'm only seventeen (that's new!). Maybe it's because I don't like being the center of attention unless I am performing. I need a script or a choreographed stage movement in order to enjoy having everyone look at me. I find it awkward when everyone watches me open my presents. So I prefer to make no big deal out of it, but let others do what they want.

So I guess I'm lucky (or blessed) to have been born around Thanksgiving. The rush of the holiday, even though it isn't nearly as busy as Christmas, takes away some of the attention that normally is lavished on the birthday girl. I don't mind having no special cake, I never have parties, and I'm okay with opening presents on Thanksgiving. God apparently knew what He was doing when He matched my birthday with my personality. Good to know He is in control of everything.