Neglecting with an excuse

Wow. It's been a while since I got on. I guess I've been in a writing low; I keep jumping from one idea to the next without getting any real productive work done.
But a lot has happened. I applied to college - got accepted. I applied to the musical theatre department - got accepted. I applied for a scholarship - note to self: I still haven't sent it in.
For a long time, I was really busy all the time. I was working a lot and going to college and doing school at home and it just seemed like I never had time to do anything. Now I suddenly find myself still going to college, working, and doing school, but somehow having free time in between. Naturally, I've been wasting most of it.
I have a project though. Maybe it's crazy and pointless. Maybe I'm wasting my time. But maybe it will take me somewhere. I figure it's worth trying, because as that old saying goes, "You never know until you try." Of course, it would be a lot easier for me to try if producers would let random people like me have their email addresses. Hey, who am I kidding? I'll just do what I can.

Reminder!

This is a reminder to myself:

Get on here and write some more!!!

My Guy

Here are some things that I want in a man. Some of them petty, some of them deep, but all purely me nonetheless.

Well-expressed-
This means more than talking about his emotions and thoughts. In fact, I want a guy who does not talk much; chatter drives me crazy. I want someone who feels free to express himself through his words, actions, movements, eyes, and even his silence. A comfortable silence can speak so many words.

Well-groomed hair-
Frankly, I want him to be well-groomed all over, but specifically, hair is important. I mean, what girl doesn't long to run her hands through a guy's hair and twirl the strands around her fingers. Petty, yes. But I want it anyway.

Organized, but spontaneous-
I tend to be an organized person. I like things to be in their places and on time. But I also have a don't-care-about-anything attitude that yearns for spontenaity and fun. A guy is going to have to keep me interested and excited, but he cannot make my life into a chaotic mess. Orderly fun?

Expressive eyes-
Sure I already said this, but I want to stress it. I don't care what color, shape, size, or deepness his eyes are, but he better be able to express himself in the way he looks at me. I want to see how he feels just by looking into his eyes.

Manliness that is aware of feminist movements-
I believe a man should be a leader in the home. Spiritually, he should be the head. Over the family, over the wife, over the finances. I want a man who treats me like a woman. On the other hand, I can be quite independent and I'm not sure how well I will be able to depend completely on a man. So he needs to be aware and open to giving me opportunity. Sometimes, I have to be a strong, leading woman.

A perfect devil-
Okay, so maybe that's a little strong. But honestly, I don't think I could stand one of those goody-two-shoes guys (not to use the term insultingly - I've been called that enough to know it's not nice). As Anne Shirley says, "I want him to be able to be wicked." At the same time, of course I want an angel.

That is my list for now, in no way encompassing everything I desire. There are natural deeper things, like a strong relationship with the Lord and enough ambition to have gotten or be getting him somewhere in life. But those are a few things.
Basically, I need a guy who is a contradiction - just like me. Good luck with that!

Book Bouncing

As usual, I am jumping from one idea to the next as the waterfall out of my head has a rather erratic flow. But hey, that's the joy of it all.
Recently, I had a great idea for a new story, which may become one, two, or even three books. I spent time inspiring with a friend and got the basics of the background down - something I generally like to do on fantasy stories. I don't like starting the book and finding out there's something I don't know about my own worlds. I have my main characters, the basic emotional and spiritual conflicts, the purpose of the story, and much of the physical conflict along the way. I even have some exact scenes and dialogues stored in my mind.
However, it was not to be. Not at this moment anyway. It's still there, and sometime someday I will write it. But I got another idea for yet another story, and once again I'm off! This one is a historical fiction romance set at the turn on the 19th century. Therefore, since the majority of my research was concluded in my history book, I can press on with this one. I have the prologue and half of the first chapter written already. I feel like I can finish this one, but then that's what I thought about the last half dozen. Yes, I do have a half dozen half-finished stories in my shelves, just waiting for me to get inspiration. I wish you could buy it in capsules.
But why look back? I shall now look forward and remember that I know just what to write on my current story. So time to let the thoughts flow out!

The Boy I Never Knew

Once upon a time
Not so very long ago
I met the boy I never knew
And here I'll tell you so

His hair was black and curly
His eyes were deep as wells
From the moment that I saw him
I knew for him I fell

He didn't sing me love songs
Didn't whisper in my ear
He never even said my name
Though that I longed to hear

He didn't bring me flowers
Didn't sweep me off my feet
He never even held my hand
But we shared something sweet

For shortly after meeting
Our eyes locked in a stare
A smile was all we needed
To say what we knew was there

Innocent and lovely
Beautiful and pure
Everytime our eyes would meet
I knew our bond was sure

But time, it passed too quickly
And soon I had to go
What could have happened if we spoke
Well, that I'll never know

We never said Hello
And we didn't say Good-bye
My one last look as we drove away
Made me want to cry

Once upon a time
Bittersweetness came
I met the boy I never knew
And loved him just the same.

The People Who Change Me

I recently read a note by a friend giving thanks for people who were special in her life. Now, I feel like writing one of my own. This list will be of people who changed me, maybe for the better, maybe for the worst. I will name most in initials to avoid giving out random names. And I am excluding family, since it is understood that they have all changed my life drastically.

H.J. - Of all the people I have known, you have probably been the most life-changing. Through you, I became confident, closer to the Lord, more talkative, and in love with writing. If I had never become friends with you, I doubt that I would have realized my passion for the written word. You are the closest friend I have ever had, and I hope the closest I will ever have (except maybe my husband). You are my inspiration, and I am who I am today because I know you.

Mr. Tom - You were the first adult that I felt close to. You treated me like the adult I was trying so hard to be, even though I was only in sixth grade. That year was the best year in Sunday School I have ever had. I felt comfortable with you, which is rare for me. I wish you had been my uncle or grandfather. Your sense of humor and crazy actions always got me laughing. I still remember the day you ran into the office, tackled Mali to the ground, took off her shoe, and tossed it down the hallway. I knew you would never treat me that way, but I loved seeing you goof off with the other kids. I bet you are rocking heaven right now! Can't wait to see you again.

J.S. - I know we've had our ups and downs as friends - not like normal girls who have fights. We just sort of faded away from each other at times, then became close again. Sometimes I don't really know what to say to you, but when we do get talking, you are so much fun to converse with. I think it was you who taught me to be less judgemental and more myself. I will never forget those long walks around the church, skipping youth group so that we could talk, getting in trouble because we didn't want to mingle. I felt like you were my friend and mine only, and that was what I needed then. I hope we continue to be friends even as we separate to go to college.

A.D. - I don't even know what you are like nowadays or what you are doing with your life. I hope for the best, but I have to say I don't think you are livng up to my expectations. Still, back in the day when we were neighbors, you were great. I felt comfortable with you. Everything from making pen names (that were really names of pens!) to trying to find my tickle spot and discovering I had none was fun. I'm sorry we separated, but I hope you never forget me. I became more fun through you I think.

T.R. - How can someone I never even spoke to change me? Well, you made me feel special. I know you were sort of a fanstasy - you still are; I can believe anything I want about you because I have no way of knowing what you are really doing. That week with you was the first time I felt like I was someone a boy could be attracted to. Sharing those special moments, so innocent and quiet, made me feel like I was walking on clouds. Out of all the girls there, you chose me. You will probably never know how much that changed my life.

A.O. - Sure, I find you annoying and immature, but guess what? Meeting you, being with you, and dumping you were all major growth experiences for me. I gained so much confidence through our relationship. I realized a lot of things about myself and about my interest in boys that will really help me in the future. We never even "went out" but in that month, I discovered my vulnerability in certain moods, and my need for strength in those moments. I will no longer fall for guys just to raise my ego. I know how emotional decision making can be a disaster, and because of you, I was saved from making a truly drastic decision. My only regret of our time together was that I acted like a normal teenage girl. However, I needed that time and foolishness in order to become who I am today.

That's all I can think of at this time. To those who tried to be an influence in my life and couldn't penetrate my tough outer layer, thanks for trying. I realize I am not the easiest person to get close to, and I apologize for that. But all of your tries were well-aimed. Thanks anyway.

And to the boy in the row behind me: I hope that someday my life will be changed by you. You may not even say much or pay attention, but if I can get up the nerve to speak to you, then I will have changed.

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

The End of the Beginning

My first inspiration, Christian author Donita K. Paul, just finished yet another book to add to her list of amazing successes. I can't wait to read it, but more than that, I can't wait to know what she is feeling. Well, I do know what it feels like to finish writing a novel. Relieving, exciting, exhilarating, and a little sad. Sad because it's a story and characters that you must leave behind... at least until the time comes to edit. But I want to know how it feels to finish something that soon will be read by kids, teens, and adults all over America. Someday I'll get that feeling.
Another great thing about writing though: when you finish one book, when the end comes, you know it's just the beginning of a new story for your characters. Maybe you'll write what happens next, maybe you won't. But in the writer's mind, it still happens. Life goes on for your characters, even after you close the book.
Am I sounding eccentric yet? Sorry, not meaning to. But my mind and the words that come from it run away with me down a rather cloudy pathway sometimes. And not cloudy as in foggy; more like Cloud 9, that glorious haven for dreamers.
Now I am ready to conquer the paper, notebooks, and keyboard with my next stories. As usual, I have myriads of novels and novelettes running through my mind, and several have made it onto paper already. Working on one right now in fact. Unfortunately, not one that will carry me forward in life. I have a habit of getting ideas from other stories and movies, then bending and rewriting them to my own standards. I don't think I could ever get away with publishing something like that though, so I am writing it purely for my own enjoyment. And for the one person who will read it. Lucky or unlucky? Only she could answer that.

Oddly Me

Is it peculiar that I publish things that I don't tell my family or even my closest friend on a website where anyone in the world could see it? In a way, I suppose it is, but I have my reasons. It's almost as though by letting anyone see it, I know that no one will. Rather than writing it in a journal that any sneaky person could snoop in, I put it where no one would think to look. 

Besides that, I'm a dreamer and a romanticist. I can't help doing novel things at times. And by novel, I don't necessarily mean interesting and new. I was thinking more like from a book. I guess it's the same reason that I dance in front of an open window at night. I know no one is looking, but I can imagine that someday someone will see. And then a story will begin. 

Life isn't like a book, but you can make it a story.

The Mountain Called Life

There is a tall mountain called life that we all must climb

  It is a hard and tiring climb filled with pain and strife

But the view is amazing

  And someday we will reach the top

Sometimes we have family pushing us up from the back

  Sometimes we have friends around us offering encouragement

But sometimes we climb alone

  Those are the hardest times

Instead of seeing the view, we begin to look at the ground

  Or even the people who climb nearby

We see those higher than ourselves and wish we could climb as fast as they

  We see those lower and hope we will never become that slow

And at times we begin to despair

  That is when we must look back at the view and remember Who provided it

Remember He is always with us

  And grow as we climb

It takes strength to climb those rocky ledges

  Determination to cross long wearying slopes

And sometimes bravery to take risks and jump over that deep chasm

  Perhaps it is when we are climbing alone

That we finally see through the distractions of those around us

  And rise to a new level

A level of closeness to the One Who is still there

There is a tall mountain called life that we all must climb

  The climb is hard

But the view is great

And someday we will reach the top

Auld Lang Syne!

Today is the last day of 2009 - the last day of the decade. A day of great emotion. A day to look back in memory and forward in expectation. To consider your mistakes and put them behind you. To imagine your coming triumphs! To-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So another year has passed and another is coming. Same thing happens about every 365 days. I could say I feel sad that another year has passed, or excited about the new year coming, or scared of the great speed of time, but I won't because I don't. Not that I have something against those feelings. Go ahead and have them if you can! Lucky you! I just feel nothing. I never feel anything, so I'm pretty used to it. Every year on my birthday or the new year, I don't dwell on the fact that I'm older or another year has passed. When Christmas or vacation ends, I don't get the blues because it's all over. Some people may think that's a blessing. Some may say it's a curse. 

I'm undecided. Ask me later.

I'll Take a Pig Snort and a Punch in the Stomach

Who knew that you could shop for sound affects? Well, to answer myself, probably anyone who has ever made a film of any kind. For me though, there is another purpose. Those handy previews of the sounds are just right for thinking through an exact noise. Then, I'll be able to write it down better than before. Describing a sound is difficult, especially in writing when you can't use expressions like "whoosh, bang, phhhsshhhshttt" as much. It's even harder when you don't really know what it sounds like in the first place. I mean, I've never actually heard someone get cracked over the head with a baseball bat. I know a few people who I could try it out on... *ahem* maybe not.

So, my thanks goes to Donita Paul for suggesting a sound affects shop website.

So Long, Sonny!

He said he loved me.

Not that I believed him. Despite my sudden flightiness due to vulnerability, I have not become a ridiculous teenage girl. It is idiocy to think a sixteen-year-old guy can love you. When I read the message, I laughed. Laughed because it was unexpected. Laughed because it was unneeded. Laughed because it was hilarious. 

I didn't need that love. I don't need that love. My family loves me and God loves me, so why would I need a random guy's confession of commitment? Especially when it falls so short of true commitment. Is this reeking of bitterness? It sort of sounds like it, but honestly, I do not care enough to be bitter. 

I'm not sorry about that month in my life. God taught me an important lesson without letting me go so far as to truly regret anything. My mistakes are minimal. Our informal relationship was exactly what I longed for; we never even kissed. So the consequences are brought on purely from my own mind. The punishment: realized that for a short time in my life, I acted like a normal teenage girl: unconfident, in need of attention, starving for attraction. I dislike that greatly. I have never been normal, and I want to keep it that way. 

But let me continue to my main thoughtline for starting this post. What was he thinking when he said he loved me? What was his plan for those words? What is he thinking now, with a new girlfriend only two weeks after I told him to buzz off? I would love to ask him. Specifically, this is what I would say: "So were you lying when you said you loved me, or does your love just fade and change that quickly?"

I would love to hear his response.

I would love to get up the nerve.

It's not that I want him back. I don't even know what I ever saw in him. Sure, I want him to regret losing me. What girl wouldn't? Even the abnormal can't help wanting to be desired. I just wish teens nowadays would realize what all the word LOVE entails. It's huge. Bigger than their maturity can allow their hearts to stretch. And it is being so misused by teenagers around America. If I could change anything in the world, maybe I would make everyone realize the exact definition of love, and act accordingly.

For now...

I'm gonna wash ALL men right out of my hair, and send them on their way!

Wait - not all MEN. I'll take the men. It's the boys, guys, jerks, and idiots that I would like to do away with.

Forever Alone, Forever My Own

Why is it so hard to fit in? I used to say I was shy; but honestly, I don't think that is true anymore. I have no problem with speaking to people, joining in, being the center of attention. I don't really enjoy most of those things, but I can and will do it. There is just something about me that doesn't attach to other people well - I am different somehow. Often, I feel as though joining in with others who don't know me very well is intruding on their lives. I feel awkward because I assume they feel awkward. 

It shouldn't be that hard. Why can't I just make friends and feel comfortable talking to them at any time? Why can't I feel like one of a group? But I never have. No matter what group of people it is, I always feel a little out of it. A little separate. A little different. Most of the time, I convince myself I don't care. Many times I truly don't care. But there are times when it hits me hard that I don't belong. And I wonder if I ever will.

I used to think having a guy - not a boyfriend - but a close guy friend who had the potential to be a boyfriend in later life, would solve my problems. He would somehow help me become like everyone else. Well, God has shown me first hand how false that is. I'm glad He gave me the opportunity to see exactly what I would do with a guy. My first and last experience taught me that guys do not solve problems; in fact, they sort of complicate them. Instead of him pulling me into the crowd, I more of pulled him out... for however long it lasted. God gave me exactly what I had been dreaming about for so long just so that I would know it doesn't work. Now I have only to wonder what would happen if the guy wasn't an immature jerk. But no, I can't be that mean. At his age, why would anyone expect him to act maturely?

Tidbit of Nonsense For You

Reality is the thing that squelches all your dreams. 

Fantasy is the thing that makes reality worth living.

Some people think you can live with only one of those things.

But for the best results, you need an equal dosage of both.

How Droll

Apparently, I am easily amused. I suppose I've always known this, but it didn't recently come to light until work the other day. I was exclaiming over the amazing principalities of a booklight that springs up to just the right angle when you press a button. My manager added it to his list of "Things that easily amuse Kaylee." I had to agree. And it got me thinking.

I think I've always been that way. I was the kid who would stare at the grass, waiting for a bug crawling through to make it move a little. I would stare at the carpet too. Don't ask me why; we rarely had bugs in our house. Once, I laid on my front lawn for a good half hour listening to the wind. It was great, until a guy driving by stopped and asked if I was all right. I guess I looked unconscious or something.

And so it has continued. I can sit in my chair in my room and stare out my window for an hour without moving. Seems like I'm doing nothing, but my mind is extremely active. I love to think, and I love silence. Those two ingredients make doing nothing, or being amused by insignificance, easy and enjoyable for me. 

My Not-so Birthday

Surprisingly, since I can be a bit vain, I have no problem overlooking my birthday. It's not one of those "women don't like to get older" things. After all, I'm only seventeen (that's new!). Maybe it's because I don't like being the center of attention unless I am performing. I need a script or a choreographed stage movement in order to enjoy having everyone look at me. I find it awkward when everyone watches me open my presents. So I prefer to make no big deal out of it, but let others do what they want.

So I guess I'm lucky (or blessed) to have been born around Thanksgiving. The rush of the holiday, even though it isn't nearly as busy as Christmas, takes away some of the attention that normally is lavished on the birthday girl. I don't mind having no special cake, I never have parties, and I'm okay with opening presents on Thanksgiving. God apparently knew what He was doing when He matched my birthday with my personality. Good to know He is in control of everything.

Three Cheers for Me!

Ahhhhhhh.........

A feeling of accomplishment washes over me.

Or rather washed. It's sort of faded away now. I mean, you can't be relieved forever. 

Anyway, to explain my sudden feeling of relief, I shall inform you that I have at last completed all the choreography for the three dances in our church's magnificent Christmas program. That would be about twelve minutes of dancing, often double-parted, for about a dozen performers. One on pointe, one ballet, and one stylized lyrical. Choreography 90% my own. Am I glad I'm done? Oh yeah.

Now there is just the job of teaching the others everything left and perfecting it... in less than three weeks. Everything has to come together: the extended stage, the orchestra and choir, the soloists, the costumes and overlays, the candles, the entrances, the staging, etc. I could look at all of that and then glance at my timeline and end by panicking. But I would rather assume it will all come together wonderfully in the end - just like it always does.

These Boots Were Made for Walking

How about a really random tidbit of nonsense? All about how I walk.

Despite being a dancer, I tend to walk on my heels. I must be heavy on my feet, because that was my downfall in ballet classes. I became known as the Elephant, along with being called a tornado (this had to do with my directional abilities when we did chaines, or fast turns - the teacher usually ducked for cover). In one class, my teacher made us all run around toe-first. We had to be extremely exaggerated, and I think we must have looked ridiculous. Oh, the joys of those little exercises for improvement. I still walk on my heels.

Kiss Me and Run

Today, (no this is not an MLIA) I wrote a more romantic lovey-dovey scene than I've ever prepared for a book I intend to publish. I must admit, it was a bit odd. Trying to describe the emotions and thoughts associated with a very distinctly important kiss is... well, interesting. I spent a great deal of time staring out the window and imagining myself being kissed. Yes, putting yourself in the place of the protagonist does help at times. 

However, I managed to write a good paragraph on it that I was decently happy with. Now the problem is, how do you continue from there? The best place for a kiss is at the end of a chapter in my opinion. Right where you don't have to tell about the awkward happenings that follow it. Sadly, that won't work for this one. If you were just kissed, what would you say? "So what's for dessert?" Not likely.

Fish - And Liking It

Guess what? I thought of the subject I wanted to write about a few days ago, then forgot about. I remembered! 

Do you know how when you leave a window open at night and the light is on inside, you can see everything inside the house? My sister refers to this as being a "fish in a fishbowl." Whatever you do is on display for the neighbors and passers-by. Is it extremely weird that I purposely leave my window open so that they can see me? 

Seriously, I secretly love leaving the blinds up and the light on in the room. I want people to see what I am doing, and, believe it or not, I even put on shows for them. I guess it comes from my joy in performing. It doesn't matter that there's no audience; I just pretend that someone is watching. It can be anyone - my choice (which makes it even more fun). Then I will dance, sing, act, or just sit and stare back at them. The best part about not knowing for sure if anyone is watching is being able to do anything. I never have to worry about making a mistake, or looking silly, or doing something weird. 

So every time someone walks by my room and shouts "Fish in a fishbowl!" (this is usually one and the same person), I begrudgingly lower the curtain on my act. No worries. There will always be another showing.