Forever Alone, Forever My Own

Why is it so hard to fit in? I used to say I was shy; but honestly, I don't think that is true anymore. I have no problem with speaking to people, joining in, being the center of attention. I don't really enjoy most of those things, but I can and will do it. There is just something about me that doesn't attach to other people well - I am different somehow. Often, I feel as though joining in with others who don't know me very well is intruding on their lives. I feel awkward because I assume they feel awkward. 

It shouldn't be that hard. Why can't I just make friends and feel comfortable talking to them at any time? Why can't I feel like one of a group? But I never have. No matter what group of people it is, I always feel a little out of it. A little separate. A little different. Most of the time, I convince myself I don't care. Many times I truly don't care. But there are times when it hits me hard that I don't belong. And I wonder if I ever will.

I used to think having a guy - not a boyfriend - but a close guy friend who had the potential to be a boyfriend in later life, would solve my problems. He would somehow help me become like everyone else. Well, God has shown me first hand how false that is. I'm glad He gave me the opportunity to see exactly what I would do with a guy. My first and last experience taught me that guys do not solve problems; in fact, they sort of complicate them. Instead of him pulling me into the crowd, I more of pulled him out... for however long it lasted. God gave me exactly what I had been dreaming about for so long just so that I would know it doesn't work. Now I have only to wonder what would happen if the guy wasn't an immature jerk. But no, I can't be that mean. At his age, why would anyone expect him to act maturely?